


Affirmation

by Lalaen



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Internalized Misogyny, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 04:34:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4652415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalaen/pseuds/Lalaen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi used to tell people he wasn't a girl. Then he learned how to stop them from asking. As much as he'd originally disliked the idea of joining the Survey Corps, he soon realizes that it's become much easier to live as a man here than it was in the underground.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Affirmation

**Author's Note:**

> Actually one of the first SNK fics I started writing, now ready to see the light of day. The trans levi fic.
> 
> This is half (ish). There'll be some ereri in the second half.

"Oh. You're a girl."

Levi trembled under Kenny's sneer, knees knocking together. The man had stripped him with rough hands, saying he had to get out of the filthy rags he was wearing, and now stood staring with disappointed surprise down at the child's naked body. Levi met his look with a hateful glare beyond his years, big dark eyes harder than any five-year-old's eyes ever should be. 

"M'not a girl."

It was the first time he'd ever uttered those words, and he didn't remember knowing why he'd said them. In future years he would tell Kenny again and again - the man had been prone to comments about how the line of work he was teaching Levi was unladylike, or how this would be easier for him if he was a man. 

"I'm not a girl," Levi hissed through his teeth as he stepped over the body of the man he'd just killed. The blood spattered on his shirt was still warm. "A girl couldn't do this."

Kenny just replied with a straight-faced "Mm," walking away with no other comment. No praise for a job well done. That was Kenny's way. Levi was left to trail after him. Except for the day when he didn't. 

For a while, Levi ran the streets of the undercity slums alone. He knew how to make his own way. He won every fight that anyone was unwise enough to pick with him. He was thin and scrappy and ruthless. 

"I'm not a girl," he'd told Farlan when they'd first met, his eyes promising murder. 

"You have breasts," Farlan said matter-of-factly, motioning at Levi's chest. 

The boy suddenly had a knife at his throat. "I'm not a girl," Levi snarled. 

Farlan agreed that he was not a girl. 

Later, he was the one to tie a strip of fabric tightly around Levi's chest. "People will keep calling you a girl if you walk around like that," he said. He was highly intelligent, a skill that Levi had never learned to use. "I think that's the only reason anyone says you are. You're pretty fucking scary, to be honest."

He was right. No one ever called Levi a girl on first meeting after that. If there was ever a comment on his more feminine features, the offender was corrected with a blade. Farlan helped him to guard his secret from even Isabel - the first person who had respected him as a man. He was thankful for that. Maybe it was why he'd been so fond of her. 

Despite causing the loss of the first people he could ever call friends, joining the survey corps ended up being a blessing in more ways than one. 

It was with incredible determination that Levi pinned the strip of fabric more tightly around his chest. It had been months now since he'd wowed the officials at the Capitol with his skills on the 3DMG, flying circles around his Erwin Smith and the other squad leaders of the Survey Corps. Levi respected them - he could tell from their eyes that these were men and women who had been through some shit, unlike the spoiled cretins in the military police. Regardless, he was unsurprised that he could outdo them. That dog of Smith's, Zacharias, was apparently considered one of the best and he was a monster clearly well over two hundred pounds. A man of his size was obviously going to be shit with the gear, and it made Levi feel a hell of a lot better that most other soldiers appeared closer to his own size. In the underworld, only men like Smith and Zacharias were respected.

Levi was tired of taking crap. If becoming a military dog meant that bigger men would lick his boots despite his small stature, it was growing on him already.

Smith had proven to be an incredibly staunch supporter. That wasn't to say Levi wasn't still suspicious, as he certainly was. He far from understood this idiot's motives. Who the hell would be this worried about the so-called betterment of humanity? He almost rolled his eyes at the mere disgusting thought. However, he had no doubt that if anyone was sincere about that bullshit, it was Smith. What a rosy cheeked privileged fuck.

Levi knew the world was not worth saving. The world was a pile of trash and full of shit. So called 'humanity' was laughably corrupt.

From what he could tell, Smith didn't seem to care.

His dedication was admirable.

Perhaps Levi had come to also respect the man who'd ordered his face shoved in the mud. Perhaps. It may have had something to do with the fact that Smith had never questioned his masculinity - in fact, he'd never even mentioned his height. That really endeared a man to Levi.

Levi who was babyfaced and a small-framed five foot three. Levi who had to cope with the gross injustice of being born with no dick between his legs. 

After a few moments of struggling, he managed to get the strip of fabric in a satisfactory place, almost completely flattening his small breasts. It restricted his breathing somewhat, but that was a more than worthy price to pay. He reached for a pin, holding with one hand.

There was a knock at the door. "Not right now!" He called, stomach tightening. No one was going to see even the slightest telltale sign, not now that he had the chance to start over. 

"Levi, it's just me." Smith, of fucking course. 

"Just a second." Levi growled, jabbing the pin through the fabric roughly and catching quite a bit of skin in his haste. It was far from the first time he'd done it, but that didn't stop his hands automatically releasing and a hiss of, "Fuck!"

The door clicked open behind him, and he froze in horror - his entire upper body was bare. "Get out," He spat with venom in his voice, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around his chest with all his power. He hated this weak woman's body and how it trembled traitorously as its secrets were threatened. He could not even stand tall and proud like a man.

"I just wanted to see if you were alright. It sounded like you hurt yourself." Fucks sake he sounded genuinely concerned. He came closer, and Levi felt every muscle in his body coil like a spring. He could fucking kill him, just turn around and straight up kill him. He'd killed men for finding out before. "You're bleeding. Let me look at that..." 

A literal growl came out of him as he jerked away. He could feel the thin line of blood dripping down his side, but Erwin was not going to get anywhere near him. He would kill him if he had to. He would.

It wasn't until he saw Erwin's brow furrow in confusion that he realized he'd turned around in his anger. He stumbled backwards, arms wrapped around his chest in desperation even though it was too late, face flushed in ashamed fury. "I'll kill you," he snarled, literally shaking. "I'll kill you I'll killyouI'll -"

Erwin was holding his hands up in a gesture of submission, of harmlessness; an expression of deep concern on his face. "Levi, please calm down. I want to see that cut. You may cover yourself."

Levi's hand shot out to grab his strip of fabric again, wrapping it around himself with practiced haste and angry mercilessness. This time he stuck the pin in straight and sure, his jaw set in determined control. Erwin's brow was furrowed in worried confusion again. "What?" Levi spat.

"Can you breathe alright?" There was nothing but concern in his stupid fucking voice. "How do you exert yourself with your ribs bound so tightly?" He reached out to touch, seemingly without thinking, and Levi stepped back with a defensive scowl.

"I can do whatever I have to." The blood was sticky down his side, the little wound a hot stitch on his ribs. He was used to it. His pins had slipped before, sometimes even driven in farther by movement or his harness. He'd done fights and chases that way. 

"No doubt." Erwin's voice had become a quiet and thoughtful purr, something Levi had come to associate with the gears of his mind turning; with the seeds of a plan sprouting somewhere deep inside him. Fucking intellectual piece of shit. "Get a shirt on. Come with me."

Though Levi was much calmer now, there was still ferocity in his tone and he knew it. "You are not telling anyone. If you try, I will fucking kill you." 

"I don't doubt it." A real damn diplomat, somehow he managed to dismiss without sounding disbelieving. "Trust me. Just put a shirt on.

The last person Levi had trusted; the only person, was Farlan. Farlan would do anything to help him cover up the truth about his body, but now he was gone and it was Levi's secret alone to carry. Now that Erwin knew, did he have a choice? It was trust him or kill him, and it would be a serious challenge to escape after killing someone this important.

Smith might have his own political agenda, but he'd done Levi nothing but favors, and that would make the thug feel rather bad for offing him. 

Trust it was. 

Levi grabbed a grey pullover shirt - the thought of getting blood on one of his crisp, pressed white ones made him wince. He pulled it on, ignoring the pain in his side, and stared with narrowed eyes when he saw that Erwin had been stepping forwards and reaching out a hand, almost as though he thought to help him. Levi informed him with a harsh glare that he might lose his hands if he ever followed through with that idea. 

"I can look at that cut first, if it's bothering you."

"No." Levi answered acridly. "Now show me my trust hasn't been misplaced."

Credit to Erwin that he seemed to understand the gravity of the situation. He shut right the fuck up, beckoning with one of his well-kept, aristocratic hands, and headed for the door of the room. 

Levi followed him throughout the halls of the headquarters, fighting annoyance. His nerves were too keyed from this whole encounter, and now all he could do was trail behind blondie and accept that he was utterly helpless. Soon enough, they came to a door that seemed to suit Erwin's liking, and he pushed in without knocking. 

It appeared to be a lab of some sort. Levi was no expert on these things, so all he knew was that the filth of the place made him twitch. He'd feel ill if he had to stay in here too long. The tables were perilously cluttered, papers everywhere, jars and pens and other paraphernalia haphazardly stacked and threatening to fall off. Fuck, it was already making him a little queasy. No one had dusted here probably ever. There was a literal haze in the air. 

Nothing was as disgusting, however, as the... Woman? Bent over a desk in the corner. The long hair made him think this must be a woman, though he'd never met one that allowed their hair to become so horrifyingly tangled and filthy. He'd only seen worse on convicts in straight jackets.

"Hanji," Erwin said softly. The creature looked up at him, a grin on its face. 

"Erwin! To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? You never come down here." Levi realized that he had seen this horrifying thing before, in the background; heard it's excited shrieks. Wide eyes alit on him with interest, and he narrowed his own, resisting the urge to take a step back. 

"I thought it was high time to introduce you to Levi." Erwin's heavy hand fell onto his shoulder, and Levi leveled him with an offended glare that told him he was fucking lucky he wasn't losing his hand for that.

Erwin seemed unphased. 

"Hanji is something of a scientist, but also something of a medical practitioner... in their own unorthodox way. I think they can help you." Hanji cocked their head with interest as Erwin made this claim.

Levi did not hold back a derisive snort. "It isn't even a cut, idiot."

"Not with that." He acted like he didn't even hear the insult, though after knowing Levi for several months already he should probably not be surprised. He did however, give a heavy sigh. "Do you trust me enough to show Hanji your chest?"

Levi could not stop a look of abject horror. Clearly, Erwin did not understand the severity of the situation. And why would he? He had everything handed to him on a silver platter.

Erwin held up a hand, presumably to calm him. "Levi, I told you that you can trust me. Hanji is not going to think any differently of you, and furthermore I think they can do something about it. It's very obvious that removing your shirt makes you uncomfortable, I wouldn't ask you to do it for no reason."

To say it made him uncomfortable was a stunning understatement. Levi didn't move, didn't stop giving him that angrily dumbfounded look. Erwin heaved another sigh, like somehow this was causing him trouble, like somehow he was being put upon. Levi fought the rising urge to break his nose. 

"... He has breasts." Erwin stated plainly, turning back to Hanji. Levi was going to kill him, actually kill him and consequences be damned. "He's flattening them with a piece of fabric that must be causing considerable damage to his ribcage. I have no idea how he's been exerting himself to use the 3DMG in this state."

Frozen with horror as he was, it took Levi a moment to realize that Erwin was still nonchalantly referring to him as a man. He also did not realize that the revolting Hanji creature was upon him until they literally grabbed his chest. He was lashing out before he could so much as think about it, pushing them back roughly before drawing the knife from his boot in one fluid motion. 

"Levi!" Erwin barked. "Calm down. I told you to stop carrying that. You don't need it here."

"Clearly I do," Levi growled. Hanji was still grinning manically at him and it only made him angrier.

"Give me the knife." Erwin's voice was stern, and he beckoned for it to be handed over. "Hanji, he lived in the underground. You should probably not startle him."

Hanji pouted at their superior. "I will need to see, but if they're small I bet I can do it. As long as you don't mind that the result won't be terribly pretty."

Wait, were they implying that they could actually remove his breasts? Slowly, he lowered the knife. 

"Will you remove your shirt now?" Erwin said, expression knowing.

Levi stuck his blade back in his boot, stripping off his top. He gave Erwin a glare. "There's no reason for you to look."

Erwin turned around with no complaint. It did not prevent Levi from giving Hanji a warning look before he released the straight pin. 

He'd never stood bare before another person, save Farlan; but regardless he held his chin up proudly. Hanji leaned in close, examining him through their thick glasses. The scrutiny made him want to curl in on himself; but he was a man and he stood straight-backed. 

"What's all these scars from? Your pins?" He nodded curtly in reply, forcing himself not to flinch away when Hanji ran a thumb over a particularly ugly one. He wanted to snarl out a don't touch me, but he would endure. "Your ribs really aren't in the best shape, though I suppose you didn't have a choice. I see what you meant, Erwin. I haven't a clue how he's been using the gear either."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here." Levi said in a low voice. He could only endure so fucking much.

"Sorry dear," Hanji breathed, and the endearment only made him want to choke them more. "I think I can do this. Fortunately, you have quite a small chest."

Erwin turned around with a dumb puppydog smile, and Levi shouted a quick, "Hey!" To make him turn back. The oaf looked utterly unashamed.

"Put your top back on." Hanji hummed, moving back. 

"I don't want you to pin that fabric back on," Erwin said quickly, not turning around this time. "You're going to hurt yourself. You can wear my jacket."

Levi refrained from a derisive snort. Wear the commander's jacket like he was his fucking woman, as if. 

"I don't think five more minutes will do anything that hasn't already been done." Hanji handed the strip of fabric and the straight pin back to him, and Levi felt a brief flutter of affection at their understanding.

"Can't we do this now?" He barked. Despite his shame, Levi refused to hunch and cover himself. Only a woman would do that - a man took no notice of his top half being bared. "I don't want to wait. If you can do it, do it now." He jutted out his chin defiantly. The offer seemed too good to be true, and maybe it was his life on the streets; but he knew not to get his hopes up.

Hanji exchanged a long look with Erwin. "I'm no cosmetic surgeon. I can't guarantee the end result will be too pretty."

"Do I look like someone who gives a fuck?" He growled. There were scars scratched in short white lines all over his ribs from years and years of pins. 

"Okay," Hanji said cheerfully, smile reaching manic proportions again. "Let's do this."

"Now? Have you even slept recently?" Erwin sounded exasperated, but Levi honestly didn't care. He was dangerously fixated on what he'd thought was an impossible prospect. 

"Sure. Hm. A while ago. I have plenty of scalpels and suture materials here, but I'll need an anesthetic. Erwin, can you be a dear and get me something from the infirmary? Preferably something that won't kill him."

Levi glanced over at Erwin, who was now looking as though he rather regretted this bright idea. "Are you sure you're alright with this?"

"Yes." Levi set his jaw in a way that Farlan would have recognized to mean that he would not budge. Perhaps Erwin, perceptive as he was, would also know. He did not bother to add that he would do just about anything to get these things off of his chest, and if that meant impromptu surgery from this strange and questionable person, well. He'd done much more dangerous things while living in the underground. Clearly blondie did not understand what true desperation was - and that was no surprise. 

...

When Levi examined his sutured chest in the mirror, the first thing he could think was that he owed Erwin a great debt. 

This irritated him. This was the man he'd wanted to kill for demeaning him, for grinding him in the dirt. Despite Smith growing on him, showing that he may actually be a man that wasn't about to stab him in the back at the first opportunity, being indebted to him was something completely different. 

Hanji had not been lying - it was a hack job - but he didn't give much of a shit. His chest was flat, and he'd been more than resigned to wearing that strip of cloth for the rest of his life. The pain was intense, but he was more than willing to endure it. Erwin had told anyone who was relevant that Levi had broken a rib during practice - it was a little insulting that anyone would believe he'd fuck up that badly, though he understood it was necessary. He had a little time to recover. Carefully, he wrapped clean gauze over his sutured chest. He was absolutely the last person who'd end up with an infected wound. It was hard not to pull the bandage tight just out of habit. 

Levi was not a man who smiled often; he could not name the last time that he did. A tiny smile tugged at his mouth as he admired his profile. These survey corps morons would have to watch the fuck out now that he could breathe properly. 

There was a knock at his door, and this time he didn't bother snatching up his shirt. "That you, Smith?" 

"May I come in?" It certainly was. 

"Go right ahead." 

When the man laid eyes on Levi, he immediately broke into a broad smile. "It seems that you're doing quite well. I wanted to check on you sooner, but I've been needed a lot over these past few days and I didn't want to bother you at an indecent hour."

"The maniac did a pretty good job," Levi said dryly, shrugging into a button up shirt. 

"This is going to make a big difference with you out in the field."

Levi was not even slightly offended that that was what Smith cared about. It was only logical, after all. He wanted his men in top condition. Levi supposed that made him a good captain, though a street rat had no real knowledge of that shit. "I'll fly circles around them, Sir." He added the title with a lot less of an acerbic tone than he'd been using since he got here. 

"Good to hear, soldier." Smith turned to leave, giving Levi a small nod. "And it looks good on you."

Levi was long used to fending off lecherous advances in the underground - both on behalf of himself as a smaller man, and of course Isabel - and he could tell without a doubt that Erwin's comment was made in the purest of ways. That kind of disgusted him all on its own. Who was this guy? 

...

Levi rose quickly in esteem due to his skill. His mannerisms gave him a bit of a reputation, but all the higher-ups seemed to realize that he listened to Erwin Smith increasingly without question, and left well enough alone. Soon, Levi realize that he'd become a lot like Zacharias, Erwin's personal pet. Though being a dog still disgusted him, he was slowly coming to terms with the fact that not only was blondie worth his trust; but anything that he said to do was generally worth doing. He was a smart man, much smarter than Levi, and a selfless one at that. 

"...stop sniffing me, freak." Levi growled at Mike Zacharias, who towered behind him. The only answer he got was a quiet grunt before the man turned and walked away. To say he was strange was an understatement, but Levi was quite used to it by now. Between that guy and Hanji, there was a lot of crazy to go around. Smith wasn't so normal either, he got some kind of intense when he was talking about the betterment of humanity. 

Levi was not stupid enough to pretend he was without his quirks. Tch. He'd landed himself in a whole den of freaks. He watched the drills with his arms crossed over his chest, waiting for his group to have their second turn. That included Zacharias. The moron better get back soon, wherever he went. 

Levi felt a nudge to his shoulder, and the instincts Kenny had honed into him made him whip around on the spot. It was just Zacharias, with the same expression he always had. Levi opened his mouth to insult the man, before realizing something was being held out to him. 

When he realized what it was, he felt like he'd been gutted. Zacharias was handing him sanitary fucking rags. 

"What are those for," he said, timeless as ever. "I'm not going to piss myself."

Mike rarely talked, so Levi hardly expected an answer. He was ready to get angry as hell over this thing, which had to be some dumb fucking prank... 

Zacharias pushed the bundle of cloth into his hand, leaning over just enough to mutter, "you're going to have a situation."

Levi rarely felt horrified, but as he slowly turned his head to look Mike in the eye that was the only way to describe how he felt. The man couldn't possibly smell that. There was no way. 

"How do you know," he hissed, indescribable venom in his words. He was of course not referring to whether or not he was on the fucking rag. His thoughts immediately jumped to Erwin, and for the first time in a long time he considered killing the man. 

Mike didn't speak, but tapped his nose. 

"Bullshit," Levi spat. 

The man just shrugged in reply, leaving Levi to purse his lips in cold rage. Thinking quickly, he grabbed Mike's elbow and dragged - or so he'd like to think, because with Mike's size there was no way Levi could actually drag him anywhere - him towards the nearest compound building, a later wooden add on to survey corps headquarters. 

"Erwin told you," Levi said, rounding on him as soon as they were out of sight around the corner of the building. 

"Didn't know he knew."

Levi leaned back against the wall, his shoulders thunking into the wood. He was in such a dangerous mood that he couldn't even lean calmly. "Come on, dog. You two are all over each other."

Mike didn't react to his insults, and had Levi been an observer he would've thought that Mike was the most patient person he'd ever seen. "You smell different."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Mike just shrugged again. "You have a different body. You smell different."

Upon not hearing the expected accusation that he was, in fact, a woman, Levi felt his anger diffuse. "Who've you told, Zacharias?" He said in a low voice.

Mike snorted with quiet laughter. Levi felt his shoulders dropped as he finally relaxed a little. Obviously Mike never really talked about a damn thing to anyone. He was still unamused, and still holding the sanitary rags at his side. 

"You should go use those."

"Fuck you, dog." His tone was different, and he hoped that Mike understood that he was actually thankful for the warning. He had no fucking idea how he'd explain blood on his pants, a concern he'd had since joining the military. Whose insane idea was it to wear white pants? Keeping them spotless was a nightmare, even if he didn't have to worry about bleeding from his shitty crotch. 

He went to find the nearest lavatory, cursing the body he detested as he went. Unfortunately Hanji couldn't do any crackpot surgeries to make him stop bleeding everywhere. He'd already asked that on more than one occasion, just in case.

**Author's Note:**

> unfortunately erwin has some weird strict values and shit to uphold/he feels like it's disrespectful to levi to pursue him so they just have the weird tension


End file.
